Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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