remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
