I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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