fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
