I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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