Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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