She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
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