Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
one two three fourrrrnication!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Say something about gay babies.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Randomize
