they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
