I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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