Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We talked him into tasing himself.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
