I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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