How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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