im having a threesome with these popsicles
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
