You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
