Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You pole danced in your parka.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
