This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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