How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
