having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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