I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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