laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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