Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
