I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
