im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
