We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Randomize
