when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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