All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
