oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
