I like my sex mixed with concussions.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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