Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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