Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
