You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize
