You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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