She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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