Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
