Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
