My sheets look like a crime scene.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
