wanna go halves on a baby?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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