I was born with a shot glass in my hand
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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