Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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