You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
