Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
