Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
