So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
