woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
