I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
