So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
