They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
