this beer tastes like vomit already
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
