I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
