He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
