He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
a search helicopter?!
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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