I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
That accounts for only three of the penises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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