my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
