I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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